Thursday, October 25, 2007
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Since I am not loving my place of employment so much these days I thought I'd write about some of the more absurd things that I have seen, heard or experienced in nineteen plus years of delivering babies. This will mostly encompass the appalling ignorance that much of the population seems to walk around in.
- "Is labor going to hurt?" - Yes, it is going to hurt more than you could have ever dreamed it possibly could. If it felt good we wouldn't call it labor. We'd call it party or picnic to more accurately reflect it's festive nature. It occurs to me that the people who ask this( and God help me, I've heard it more than once) have never worked a day in their spoiled little lives and have no concept of what LABOR is.
- Showing up in the labor and delivery unit on the " due date" with labor nowhere on the horizon - There is a reason this is called the estimated day of delivery. Please stay home until you can locate one or more brain cells to bring with you to the hospital. This may be a while. we'll wait.
- "I lost my mucous plug" - We haven't seen it. Please go away now. Perhaps if you looked under the bed?
- " I'm here to have my labor seduced" - Trust me - the seduction is long over.
- " I'm supposed to have a c-section because I have fireballs in my eucharist" - Could you possibly mean Fibroids in your Uterus? Maybe if you hadn't been glued to your cell phone in the Dr's office you would have heard what the provider said. Go buy some Q-tips and give Verizon a rest.
- ( after having a catheter placed) " Now how will the baby get out?" - OMG - What was I thinking? How Will the baby get out? Labor is a bad time for an anatomy lesson - just trust me on this one.
- " The baby keeps pulling on the unbiblical cord and it makes my belly-button hurt" - shaking my finger at the patient's belly - Stop that you bad bad baby
- " My water keeps breaking - does this mean I'm going to have a 'dry birth' ?" - no it means the baby left the faucet running. Stop wasting water.
- " I don't want an epidural - I'm scared of needles" - this from a person with several large tattoos .
- And my favorite. " When will you poke the holes in my nipples so I can breastfeed?"